It has been coming on for a long time, little fractures and cracks, I don't know why everything finally shattered. I have my suspicions but will keep those to myself.
There was no reason really for this year to have been missed almost entirely, it should have been a happy one, but I did nothing, achieved nothing and felt nothing, at least darkness told me there was nothing.
I am trying to find myself again, to find a purpose, to stop hiding. I don't really want to though, hiding has become comfortable.
Despair and discouragement have become sort of friendly, like it would be too much of an effort to discard them.
But promises have been made, I promised my youngest son I would try, I would pick up the paint brushes again and I would use the gifts I have been given. He is away for two years, doing hard things. If he can do hard things, then I must also.
Not only did I break but because of it, I have neglected everything around me. I thought if it all got bad enough someone would pick up the slack. Well, I should have known better. Now there is a years worth of neglected house, yard and self to re-do. Decay. Everywhere. The thought of trying to fix it all makes me want to hide even more. Entropy is not my friend.
I will try, but I don't want too.
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Oh maren-it breaks my heart to read your post. You did achieve things this year-i saw beautiful things on FB that you have made; you took care of all your wonderful animals; you loved your children and prepared your boy to go on his mission; you reached out to friends who were having difficulties. Take tiny baby steps--you don't have to come out of hiding all at once--just bit by bit--you don't have to create a fabulous illustration-just start by swishing your brush in some fabulous colors of paint-one step at a time.
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